APRIL 1, JUPITER, FLORIDA: Trojan the USA’s largest manufacture of condoms today announced the signing of the golf superstar to a multi-year contract. Said an unnamed spokesman for Woods, “As Tiger has got older he’s become much more careful with all parts of his body. You know… with his bad back and all, a lot of his previous acrobatic night moves are gone. He’s a feel player these days and these just feel right to him.”
Trojan said Tiger’s worldwide reputation can help them expand their market share beyond the US. They are working with the athlete to design a signature edition, orange and white, striped condom, which will be available only in extra-large. Per Tigers’ request, Trojan will donate 50 cents from the sale of each box to the home for battered husbands in Orlando.