APRIL 1, PALM BEACH GARDENS: In a shocking U-turn the PGA announced today its’ nixing plans to move to Texas. Said an unnamed PGA spokesman, “Look we admit it, we were sold a bill of goods. We were told it was warm in Texas, but we’ve been here, on-site for three months and it’s been nothing but freezing rain, ice storms, and tornado warnings. We’re a golf association we need our headquarters somewhere warm, with a 12-month season. On top of that, all we got was a lousy 100 million in tax breaks…. really? We’re the PGA, ‘C’Mon Man’ they could have done better than that. We have to look out for our members’ interests and make the best deals possible for them!”
When pressed further on the controversial move to Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, the spokesman said, “The move to Riyadh will be great for all our members. It’s centrally located which fits in perfectly with our worldwide expansion plans. Plus, they have sunshine 365 days a year, we checked!”
Their great, fantastic, amazing leader, his excellency, MBS is a huge golf fan. He’s giving us five billion dollars to build two amazing new courses, Khashoggi Sands and Bin Laden Dunes. The first is lined with cactus that will cut you to pieces if you step out of line. The second soars up into the mountains with plenty of places for your ball to hide.
They are throwing in a stunning temple of an HQ and top PGA officers will have free use of a 747. A fine selection of exotic cars and a small Harem of handpicked female employees at their disposal. Which obviously demonstrates our commitment to gender diversity. Best of all, since no one in Riyadh actually plays golf, our grow the game stats are going to go through the roof with just a couple of foursomes a day!”
There is also talk of the PGA joining forces with the Premier Golf League in an apparent move to steal back all the players they lost to the PGA Tour in the late sixties. When asked about the Golf League’s official policy of 50 lashes for any player taking more than four hours and beheading players for cheating, the PGA spokesman said, “It can only be good for the game,” and added, “I guess we won’t be seeing Ben Crane or Patrick Reid anytime soon”
In a move to grow the popularity of the game as an extreme sport to attract millennials and shake up the rather boring format of the four majors. The 2025 PGA Championship will be played over both courses, in two days, with a cut after 54 holes on Saturday, and an 18-hole finale on Sunday. That ought to separate the men from the boys when it’s 118 in the shade!
But with a purse of 100 million, free Net Jet travel, a five-bedroom, seven-star tent, free belly dancers and a courtesy camel, the event is expected to attract the game’s best players.
Frisco, Texas Mayor, Mike Hunt, was stunned at the PGA’s decision to relocate but was taken off the air after a profanity-laced rant where he referred to the Saudi leader and the head of the PGA in very unflattering terms. Aides for the mayor quickly came to his defense saying, his quotes were taken wildly out of context, and should not be considered racist in nature. But he still wants his money back!
Oh and don’t forget to pay your dues…
People wanting more information should read: Confessions of a Golf Pro one and two available on Amazon.
This post was NOT endorsed by the PGA, the PGA Tour, his excellency MBS or the Frisco, mayor’s office. The author is now in hiding.